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what else is fuckin new [14 Nov 2007|05:14pm]
i miss my sister and brother soo much it sucks.i feel like i dont have that family i once had. i cant hold it in no more i cant pretend no more i gotta get outta here now and fast i need to be where i belong and were my family & friends are.the only thing that wont be there will be vinny.=( so either way im not happy. iv bin soo fuckin stressed out and depressed lately i hate lookin at myself and seein someone im not.i wanna be the person i once was. i feel like my family is broken and i hate it it needs to be fixed theres like no life no more to this family my father is hardly around my mom doesnt wanna listen cause she knows shes wrong vic is in her own little world i dont even talk to my brother anymore i hardly even talk to him when i see him i miss him alot and it fuckin sucks he brought happiness to my life even tho i was always a bitch he mad me smile inside and it sucks never seein him. and my older sister we came so cause and i cant even spend a good relationship with her everytime i leave my family i just wanna break down in tears cause its not the same. i miss my friends a hole fuckin lot sometimes i think they dont even kno who i am anymore. there always busy with there jobs friends and bfs and gfs and i wish i could spend all the time in the world with them. iv bin goin out alot lately but its just not the same its not lindenhurst which i try to pretend it is. vinny does make me happy here but i just wish it was back home where my life was hole i fell in love with him and its gonna suck when i move back home i have to cause its whats best for me and its what i want most. iv tried for months to not fight with mom and vic but i cant hold it in no more my anger is completly out again i hate how my older sister is upset all the time cause she never sees us and i dont even know about my brother cause i dont even remember the last time me and him had a convo.things just arnt gonna be perfect but then again nothin in life never is so whats the stupid word of happiness surpose to mean if u cant have it all ???
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idk [22 Oct 2007|08:14pm]
im not happy anymore .i dont kno what it is like i wanted a relationship and i got a good on but things are still missin and i cant stand it. people say its not a big deal that im left all my friends and family but really it hurts me soo bad and its tears me up inside it all i think about i just wanna be home. my life would be soo much different if i was home but then i woulda neva met vinny.but i wanna be home cause thats were i belong and thats when im happy the most. im good at hidin it tho from people cause im sick of the questions wuts wrong and why are u like this. and its cause im miles away from my family and friends things arnt the same. i just need to pass school so i can go home in a few months but it doesnt seem to work for me. i also need a job that neva happened yet here for me i had an interview and i guess i wasnt good enough cause the bitch just laughed at my accent i honestly need a job really bad it would get my mind off things seriously. i miss nicole and joey and my niece lots i feel like i neva spend time with them wheneva im on longisland. im just full of wonders and i cant stand it. i try to say things in my head like okay i love this place i love this place im leavin soon but it really dont work for me. im student who doesnt have a clue in the world wuts goin on anymore my mind is blank and i hate it . i try my best not to be a bitch to my mom or vic so i try to make them laugh. i try to make lots of people laugh cause it makes me happy but i cant smile for real. when im with vinny i smile and im happy but when im not with him it feels like i dont even have him he really made me betta but its sucks cause we hardly hang out and im not used to that at all.i wish my friends could just come here once in awhile cause its really hard for me to take turns cause i love all my friends equal and when im there for just on day it hard to see everyone....... i hate thinkin about bad things i always doo and i always think negative and it sucks big time.. life just sucks period.
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damn thank god [26 Sep 2007|05:58pm]
well a lot has happened this past week to much cryin and way to much confusin . vinny messed up a lot since last thrusday but i gave him one more try to show me he actually cares.so me and him are finally goin back out and things bin goin good these past two days i finally got a piece of shit job at shoprite but whateva its betta then nothin. im goin out with vinny . im just tryin to be happy and hopefully nothin goes wrong. sandra is fianlly home thank god and i cant wait to fuckin see her i missed her way to much and theres soo much i need to tell her and she needs to tell me. so i guess i can say afta wastin so many tears and shit things are finally workin out for me.
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yesterday was a horrible day vinny =( [21 Sep 2007|12:43pm]
lately my days fuckin sucks ... iv bin fightin with vinny constantly cause of his lies.yesterday all i found out from otha people was his fuckin lies so i had to end everythin we had which i realy didnt wanna but its trationst for me cause i dont deserve all this fustration i really cared about him sooo muchh and i got fucked like always cause once i care about someone its like fuck her i dont give a shit im done with fuckin carin about eveythin was it like wrong for to look out for someone that i wanted to try to be a in relationship but then again maybe it was just me maybe i was just to hard on him cause i had one simple fuckin rule and of course he couldnt follow it wtff. i knew we were ment to be but i guess now we will neva know. cause he fucked upp... he was one of the reason i wanted to go to school everyday he was my only friend and the numba one person i can be myself around.but i cnt even look at him the same no more i dont think someone hurt me this much all in one fuckin week... like he actually mad me believe that he actually loved me and showed me that he did but was that a lie too... i was something that u would have with ur friends.?/how could you look into someones eyes and say u love them but all u do is fuckin hurt them i dont fuckin get it..im soo done with guys its not even funny i guess i dont deserve to be happy.or maybe i just dont belong with a guy from here cause i dont belong here whateva im fuckin donneee. and i liked tryied to be nice which he is lucky about but he still is bein a dick.i dont fuckin get ittt.
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mmmmmm [14 Sep 2007|11:22am]
[ mood | confused ]

well yeah iv bin back to this shit hole for almost a month and i cant fuckin take it anymore. im summer was wonderful i just wish i coulda spent more time with my friends but i didnt cause i always had to work. i miss my friends a hole lot and i just wanna be with them everyday i wanna see my brotha and my sista and my niece and the rest of the family i miss them soo much..School isnt that bad this year well i cant really say anythin yet cause i just started. cosmetologly is soo much fun and i think thats the only reason why i wake up every mornin to go to school and not bitch i really enjoy it and i cant fuck up this year for two reason cosmetology is gonna be my life and for me to pass to my mom and dad lets me goo finally. i cant wait til april when im 18 and i can leave i need a job first so i have money when i go back home where i belong. i miss sandra a hole lot i cant wait til she comes home from italy i really need her cause i can talk and talk talk talk to her and she has a lot of patients for me.vickee is movin soon and im gonna miss her alot or friendship just got a hole lot closer then when it was a year ago she really cant leave cause she doesnt deserve the pain that im goin threw.doesnt people understand u cant move there kids away when they lived some where there hole life. anyways i hate how all my friends are busy with there boyfriiends and there soo excited to be with them but of corse me idk wut i want anymore theres soo many people and im still young i just wanna have fun a be alone for a while thats what im good at even tho i still have feelings for peopple but i cant do anythin about it cause if im with someonee it messes up everythin. Im tryin my best to stay positive and be happy for my family i am tryin really hard and i make then laugh i put on the same fake smile everyday just to let them no that im okay but really deep now im hurtin in side like a fuckin knife just hit me so hard. i cant wait for next year when im in my own school and im playin tennis and im with all my friend and my family except my mom dad and vic=(. i did miss them this summa even tho i sed i wasnt but i did cause i woke up every mornin to a different peaceful family and im sure my family was peaceful without me around yellin all the time and sayin how much i hate them and shit. but im back im tryin cause it doesnt solve anythin cause im here and i just need to deal with it for a little bit longer.i really miss my brotha a hole lot and i wish i could spend more time with him but he is always soo busy with his life and his girlfriend and friends . i wish my brotha was here cause he is sucha great person and hes so funny and he always cheered me up when im sad even tho i didnt show it to him .i hope i see him soon.i hate begin so emotional i think when im eighteen if things dont get betta im gonna sign my self in to a mental insatiuion (how eva u spell it) ccause i dont derseve any of this.i really need a job around here so i have money to serve when im home i need to get a car asap even if a piece of shit as long as it get to lindenhurst and back to this shit fuckin place. this place doesnt even deserve to live its soo horrible people do the same shit everyday how fuckin borin and theres soo much fuckin dirty bags even tho there is alot where i come from but theres a ton of alotmore people.anyways people tell me i really need a boyfriiend and start to get my life in hands or whateva but seriously i cant deal with distance and why get in a seriously relationship here cause im leavin soo either way im fucked. i dunno i pray that things get betta for me.

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fuck fuck fuck fuckkk fuckkkkk fuckk !!!!!!!!!!! [09 Jun 2007|07:01pm]
IM HATING THIS PLACE MORE AND MORE EACH FUCKIN DAY I REALLY SERIOUSLY HATE THIS MORE THEN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. I AM SO SICK OF BEIN SOO FUCKIN BORED I CANT FUCKIN DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE. WHY IS TAKEN SO LONG FOR ME TO GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. EVERYTHING I FUCKIN WANT IT ALWAYS TAKES FOREVER AND I HAVE PATIENTS FOR THIS SHIT. I HAVE SO MUCH FUCKIN ANGER IN ME IT ISN'T EVEN FUNNY AND I CANT STAND ITT ANYMORE. I MISS EVERYONE SOO FUCKIN MUCH I JUST WANNA GO HOME ALREADY !!!! I HAD A ENOUGH I DON'T DO SHIT HERE BUT SHIT IN THIS HOUSE AND BE FUCKIN MISERABLE AND I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE ITT !!!!!! thank god there is only like two more days of fuckin school then i have test then i can get outta this shit hole. anyways sandra misses me soo much it isnt even funny i wish i can but with her all the time so she didnt have to miss me so much.i miss her a hole lot and everyone else too but im sorry ill be home soon and everything will be back to normal. i hate missin people thats like one of the number on things i hate. today was sucha fuckin gay day i was surpose to go home today but yeah that didnt happen maybe thats why i keep on fuckin cursin ..... mmmmmm i wonder what andrew is doin i dont wanna bother him if hes busy so maybe ill just wait til he calls me ?? im gonna miss him alot when im gone hmm i wonder if he will miss me half as much or even at all maybe he will forget about me ? ugh im so fuckin bored and mad i dont even know what i to say in this entry ill probley write again later or im just gonna write in my otha journal.!

12 more fuckin dayss !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please come quicker./
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wellllll [05 Jun 2007|05:36pm]
well anyways today i was in a horrible bad mood.i left school early today and i cryied so hard to my mom that i cant take this shit no more and i cant do nothing here. so she is letting me leave in the summer and see how i do if i can handle my life without mommy and daddy then she told me once im eighteen i can move back home and then i can finally be really happy so i just need to get threw my junoir year then i can finally come home. im so excited that she finally understand and now she knows everything she needed to know about me and im glad that she will let me go. she wants me to fulfill my dreams and that is wut i am gonna do.cause everyone knows when adrienne giannettino wants something she works for it and i neva give up this is something i want so bad and i kno i need to work really hard for it.anyways.im sure u all know about that boy i like i really do like him but sometimes i dont think he likes me that much & it would totally suck if he doesnt. but i guess that sucks then for me cause also we all know that when adrienne likes somoene they neva like her back like that and it always happens.but yea i dont know about that for sure.i want to start hangin out with him alot more and maybe if im with him with him i would start to be more happyer here.. and i know im livin in the summa but i will still be back here to visit so i know i can see him then. i cant wait til summa i really cant.i know im gonna have so much fun and im finally ready to get my life back. im so glad i have a friend like sandra that will take me in like that i love her so much she really knows how to be a friend to me and she knows how to help me out and i would be layin in a coffin right now if it wasnt for that girl... i cant wait really cause im so sick of cryin and for the summer i wont shed one tear until its good bye again to my friends im sick of cryin every single day for the past 7 months or how eva long it is since i lived here. i cant wait to walk in the door of sandras house and finally say im home i feel home and just smile and neva take that smile off my face.....well anyways more about that boy i really do want a relationship with him but sometimes i think he is a little to busy for me and we all know that i love to be with my boyfriend atleast 5 times outta the week and i know im not strict at bein a girlfriend and i would let him do what he wants. i do honetly like em.but anyways 15 more fuckin dayssss thats all it isss...
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blahhhh [03 Jun 2007|07:29pm]
well today was a boring day i woke up i put my bathing suit on and layied out for a little bit i went in took a shower and i thought i was gonna do something today but yea that neva happens to me i should a know i live here and i Neva do anything . vickee called me today and i miss her a hole lot Sandra called me always and i miss her terribly and she misses me so much i need to leave here and be there for my friends who need me and miss having me around . i just want summer to staRT SO MY LIFE CAN FINALLY BECOME SOMETHING again and i can finally make money. i cant wait to be with my friends and my family again i know once im there for the summa im gonna cry sooo hard when i have to come back to this shit hole thats if my parents make me come back here. like i dont get it like dont they want me to be happy and make my dreams come true just like vics dreams are like why do i have to be the outcast of this family. anyways im happy that i met someone here he really is sucha good person. like i know when i come back home ill have my friends ill have my family ill have my fun but one thing will be missing which would be him i wish he could come with me so this way i would have everything. i would say me and him are together and were pretty good and i dont wanna leave that behind. like i wish he lived where i come from and shit but he don't... anyways im counting down the days im outta here and i sure in hell cant wait. summa of 2007 is gonna be awesome and i cant fucking wait

17 more days
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i dont really know what the subject is...more of a depressing life [31 May 2007|07:30pm]
i had a bad day today and i had like 3 of my so called break downs and i dont know why. im so stressed out about my fuckin life cause i have no idea where this road is gonna take me. my family flips out on my all the time i quick bein part of this family its all about victoria and her perfect life since she has so much planned they cant even be happy for me that i fuckin passed which noone believe i would.. i used to have my hole life planned out but me livin here i dont think i can do anything.i wanted to be a tennis player but i cant play here cause people suck ova here at sports and i refuse to play i wanted to be a good lawyer but i dont want that anymore i wanted to be a fashion designer and make every girl and guy feel confortable in anything they wore i also wanted to be a writter i wanted to write in the best magizeens out there i wanted to help people like me . but i really have no idea anymore of wut i wanna do.. i have no job no money for college or anything else i need. i hope i can make it on my own when i leave this shit hole.and i know i can. i also know i wont miss my mom and dad and vic at all i cant wait to leave them behind. i want to fulfill my dreams my life doesnt evolve around them no more they dont do nothing for me but make me miserable and know how to bring me down. my mom used to be my best friend i cant talk to her anymore. i havent bin to theripy in a long time. and i miss my hole social worker soo much cause i know if i was with her so can pull me threw anything. anyways the only good thing that happened to me here was meeting andrew he really is such a good person and i care about him so much he also makes me soo happy and he knows how to make me smile=).....i miss my brotha a hole lot sometimes i dont even think i have a brotha. me and my olda sista came really close which is a good thing my relationship like me and her have or like best friends but betta. i want to be able to see my brotha and sista every single day like i used to but there far aways from me now & i know when im back in the summa im hardly gonan see my brotha cause he is always so busy for me. anyways im so sick of commin back to this stupid fuckin house i hate it soo much i just want to leave and never eva come back to this place. ineed to start goin out cause i cant stand this anymore i hate seein vic and my mom and dad every single day cause all they do is fuckin piss me off and put me down. me and my sistas relationship has bin real shitty i cant stand her she used to be my best friend she is basically my one and only friend here but we fight to mauch and sometimes i just wanna fuckin kill her. i hope this summa is realy good cause i realy need to have a good fuckin time.
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what im a afraid of [16 May 2007|10:00pm]
iv bin thinking lately that im scared of life . im scared to take the next step im scared of getting older im scared for someone to love me im scared to fall in love thats why i would rather be alone cause im scared ill get hurt . i realize now that i am gettin older and its time for me to find out whats best for me even tho i dont know what that is yet but im sure it will come around sometime. i know im a good person and im soo helpful to others and i care about everyone but i need to find myself now.. everyone always looked at me as the one who was the mature on and the one who knows what she is doin but really im just a girl who fears a lot. im trying to doo whats best for me in life im tryin my best.... im sorry to the people that i hurt i just cant be everything or anything everyone wants me to be when im the one lost a trapt and im sorry for things i do to myself to make mye feel better instead of talken to the ones who care for me. but im also scared to get help cause it was never me who need the help adrienne always solved her own problems and adrienne was always the strongest and adrienne always help everyone but really im soo glad i helped everyone who needed it. now its my time so live my life and get it back and try to make my dreams come true. im scared of losin people cause right now i feel like i lost everything and everyone cause my friends and my family where the ones who brightened up my days. i miss you all alot.
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distance sucks [08 May 2007|05:54pm]
when is time for me to fianlly go back home forever and never return here.i miss all my friends soo much and im completly miserable without thme by myside.i miss all our memories soo much i miss laughin and sometimes the fights and the tears.it hurts so much to be apart from them. but each and everyone one of you need to understand its hard for me too see all of u in one day the summa will be different when im there all the time i promise you all that u will all see me wheneva and before u know it ill be back forever again and things will be back to noraml atleast im gonna try to make things perfect again. vickee ava and amber im soo sorry i dont see u guys all the time but its realy hard for me to work around things i promise in the summa it will be 100 percent different. i know im a horrible friend right now but i swear age will be back to normal soon.and u guys need to understand also that i cant be there all time and u guys neva come to visit me when i sit in this house and be miserable or when i call noone eva answers my calls when you all know im extermely miserable and maybe its time to realize that yes adrienne needs a friend with her just like im there for each and eveyone one of u when u need me. you guys are the most important people in my life beside my family i miss them a lot too and sometimes when im there i just wanna be with them...anways nothin gets betta im sick of this shit soo bad i really im sick of begin a loser im sick of how people talk shit around here when noone fuckin knows me im sick of not havin fun i sick of not laughin im soo sick of cryin im sick of walkin around that everything is okay im just sooo sick off everythingggg....noone really understand how it feels to leave the town that i lived in for ur hole life them come to this fuckin place livin around a bunch of fake bornin fuckin people and begin something where u where to nothing where i am now. its hard for me and people need to understand that.... all as i do with my life is wirte sit home and work out great fuckin life. i guess the person i believe in which is god doesnt believe in me cause im slowly fallin apart and it sucks. i miss my brotha alot and i miss my older sista and the rest of the family everything was goin great with everything before i left and now cant enjoy anything. all i do is miss people and i hate missin people i hate everything. i just wish something for once in my life could go good.=(
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dont know if i have any hope anymore. [29 Apr 2007|06:18pm]
well nothing has changed a pit.iv bin a real bitch lately to everyone and i hate it so much.im just so mad at myself for everything.i wanna go home so badly where i belong.i havent gettin along with noone. i just wanna be happy im sick of hidin this deep depression i just want my joy and happiness back. im tryin my best to fit in here and tryin my best to make friends and also tryin to be happy.i finally went out for the first time this weekend and it was pretty fuckin fun but afta i got in a car accicent it wasnt that bad.im okay and so is everyone else. i miss my brotha and my olda sista real bad & the rest of the family i miss my friends and my old school a hole lot i neva missed anything like this before and it kills me inside cause i hate missin people.i miss smilin everyday - i miss talken to all my wonderful friends and laughin ALL the time . i miss havin a good time in school... ohh damnn i just miss alot.everyone tells me maybe my life will be betta here but really it just feels like it gets a hole lot worse and my days just keep gettin longer. i keep written these sad poems and shit im pretty crazy i hate bein soo emotional and i hate cryin.i keep prayin and wishin that my life will get betta.. anways i dont think nothin changin in school i think that is gettin worse too i do go everyday and i try my hardest and try to engore all my fustration but its really hard ... i hate knowin that i was a someone and now im a noone. i really do hate this fuckin school theres so many fuckin fake people and all these people do is talk there shit but cant even say this shit to me.fuckin pussy man ! they pisses me off the most these motha fuckas are actors. fake motha fuckas !!! i hate how people say shit about me when i neva got with noone around here but they know me right fuckin pricks.but yea i dont let that shit get to me cause i guess im pretty famous let them fuckas talk.i cant wait til summa cause then i know i will be happy or maybe a miracle will happen before then. hopefully.well anyways im gonna stop written.

i miss you all soo muchh <33 =(
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its was good while it lasted [15 Apr 2007|12:32pm]
the past almost three weeks was fuckin awsome begin home in lindy i had so much fun and never took a smile off my face i had a ball ..i just didnt wanna leave i hate this fuckin mountain place soo badly i just wanna stay where i belong.i really just cant stand my parents i really cant i hate feeling like this.when im in lindy and when im here its like im two different people and it fuckin sucks.i hate my bad mood swings..when im here i feel like i deserve to be in some crazy home cause im absoultly crazy here.i even have the urge to cut myself again and i know one of these days im gonna get soo fed up im gonna do. im gonna lose it i already lost half of it im just gonna lose it all. like who wants there kids to be unhappy.? i know my kids will never be unhappy. im sick of hidin from everyone that everything is okay and im just hidin a lie inside of me. i just wanna scream soo badly i wanna fuckin escape outta this life of mine. like i sed im not scared to end life but a lot of me is better then that to do that and i know im only here for a little bit longer and im finally and i dont wanna hurt the people who actually care about me............anyways my birthday is on friday and its gonna be the worst birthday of my life gonna sit in my room cry wishin i was home doin nothin like a fuckin loser............i need to stop blamin the fuckin world for my shit even tho its a lot of peoples faults im like this.
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its all because of me [07 Apr 2007|07:06pm]
i just wannaa give it upp i want it to come to end already. when does all this pain stop when does everything go away im losin everything.my family hates me soo much noone cares about me anymore i care so much for my family and they just dont listen to me..iv bin soo happy since iv bin on longisland with everyone and smiling all the time. my best friend was my sista and now she hates me noone cant even look me as adrienne they look at me like a miserable bitch.. my anut talked too much shit about me and my mom just stand aside like its nothing i hate them soo much i just want this suffering to stop..... i cried sooo hard they have no idea how much they hurt me.. i try my best to be the best but its always about vic. they look at my grade which was a 95 on a test and they were like wow vic thats good and im like umm thats mine there like what did u cheat adrienne i just hate themm... i just want my life to end already..i want them to just let me go already. i told my family i would neva be like them EVER but they think my life is gonna be shit when im older. i dont know anymore im soo lost when im here .. when im home i never stop smiling..i know if i end this life i will hurt so many people im not scared to die im not scared to end this fuckin stupid life of mine.but i thik about my friends and saul those who love me and i love them sooo muchh.i cant let my family defeat me. i need to be strong i really doo. i just hate everything right now.
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blankkkkkk =( [19 Mar 2007|09:33pm]
last night i cried all night even when i was on the phone with saul i was trying to hide it so much. i wish he was here with me at all times i really cant wait to i come back out there i miss caite soo much i just miss everyone like hell........ school fuckin sucks i like totaly just fuckin givin up im like rolling ova and dieing im soo fed up with that fuckin schoool i cant take it anymore i really do fuckin hate everyone most i oonly like talken to vinny and drew and a couple of otha people...i hate yelling at my mom and my sista im a very bad sista.. im a daughter hiding her depressing and im a sista acting like im fine and trying to show her right from wrong.... i just cant do anything anymore..i hate looking at myself in the mirror cause i dont feel pretty anymore and all i do is fuckin eat cause i having too do thats what i do eat fuckin work out and fuckin cry great fuckin life for a girl who is gonna be fuckin seventeen.. i really just want my fuckin mom and dad to let me go i dont nothing good for them and i never will they still have little ms perfect victoria to make them happy in everything she does..noone can fuckin help me im one my fuckin own.. i really need a fuckin job but then i dont want one cause then i wont be in lindenhurst as much ..... i cant wait to fuckin go to florida and just get the fuck away i just wanna lay on the fuckin beach with my buddy and smoke my ciggs ... and yea another thing iv bin smokin soo much lately like its fuckin gross... well i dontt knoww at allllll im just fuckin sjfhsjkhfkshfklsjflk;jadfoiweurwryuiuerytuvblah =(

i miss you all sooooo muchhh
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idk [17 Mar 2007|11:40am]
well iv bin trying to do a little betta with my life im just working around with life like i dont care. i have a feeling im going to summer school im giving up i dont really get it cause iv always bin strong with myself but im melting away im not myself i feel like i dont even know who i am anymore. everyone knows im fuckin miserable and it fuckin sucks. i cant wait til the 28 when im home to see everyone then im going to florida i need a fuckin break then ill be back home til the 15 im pretty fuckin excited.. anyways saul makes me extremely happy and he knows how to make a girl smile........ anyways i really dont know if i can make it any longer here im fuckin falling apart and noone getts it that its not that fuckin easy for me. i feel that like every since we moved here my family is slowing falling apart daddy is never here hes always home on longisland my mom doesnt do nothing but cook and clean and most likely cry cause she knows her two kids are gone and her other daughter is a miserable reck.. i just want this year to be over already i wanna fuckin be back home already FOR GOOD. and never come back to this place except when i visit my parents... there is like something seriously wrong with my brain im extremely bipolar and i cant help that at all and it fuckin sucks one minute i laugh the next minute im yelling and crying i cant deal with it. but anyways things are a little better cause i have saul in my life.
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......................=( [03 Mar 2007|07:44pm]
umm yea well this has bin another boring fuckin week i thought i was going today but no that didnt happen.i really want to see saul cait and danny and them and i wanted to see other people too but some people need to understand that im only there for one day i hate makin choosing who im seeing.i really wish people can come here sometimes cause it makes me mad that noone comes see me and i have to begggggg all the time to come home.. i really havent bin doing nothing at all lately just sitting around havin bad break downs... i keep getting so outta breath and my head is always banging i hate it. i hate thinking i hate missing i hate everything .i really just wish i had powers that i can just change everything and things would be perfect and i wouldnt have to put on a fake smile to people. i need a long vaction im surpose to go to florida but i really wanna be with my friends cause i miss them so much. i miss sandra a lot and i fucked up big time with her i miss EVERYONE.. i started going to school and im kinda getting my act together i just have five weeks to pass this quater and i hope i get a 65 atleast..anyways saul my best friend makes me feels so good about myself he is my favorite person and he makes me so happy i never really had some who can talk to me for forever he is such a good person i love him.. i cant wait til summer so i can be home for three months and be happy with everyone . im counting down the days. anyways my relationship with my mom isnt so good we always fight cause im not a good daughter im not like the other two or like her son.im not even a good sista i take everything out on my sista and she really doesnt deserve it. but anyways ill write more later im gonna go do something like sit in my room like i do 24-7 cause thats my life...

love you<3333
miss you all !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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ugh! [27 Feb 2007|07:43pm]
i dont know im feeling a little bit betta. i just hate how noone has no faith in me.its always about vic joey and nicole and how proud my family is of vic and she is gonna amount to something and im not cause i have serious problems. im trying to do betta in school i realy am and im tryin my best i just cant wait to finally prove mommy and daddy and the rest of the family that i can actually do something. maybe ill be the only giannettino who isnt gonna do anything with there life like adults in my family ill be the only teenage girl who isnt gonna make it to college. i blame myself but really i should blame them everyone knows it too cause i was actually doing GREAT in school.and i know im sorry for blaming them but its true.. i cant wait til im eightteen and i can just do what i want. i know im not gonna make millions like victoria is gonna but i know where eva i end up in life i know ill be okay even if im alone. i miss my friends terribally bad..i feel lost in a world noone knowing who i am.sometimes i wish i can be vic and be smart about life but i just think about all my friends and my social life to much... my family knows it tho that im gonna be a fuck up they always looked at me like that and i put myself that way if only i can be who i was things would be different i know it.. i pray every single night and i cry before i go to that things would just go right for me in school and people need to stop compairing me to vic cause i will NEVERRRRRRRRRR be her... i am my own person who hardly knows her self a sista trying for her little sista to look up to and hopeing she will never end up like me i am niece a daughter a friend pretending that everything is okay when nothing is.... =( just want my life back thats all.
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im stupid =( [16 Feb 2007|09:57pm]
i lost the only thing that made me happy today. i wish i could take it back i didnt mean to leave him im not sure if i still do if i did then why im i crying since it happened why do i pretend that im happy. im really stupid cause all these fucking things going threw my fuckin head.. i really hope he dont find someone else cause i kno i dont want noone else me and him had a love like no other.its just me being stupid cause im confused and i wasnt that happy and i thought it was him but i know it had nothing to do with him its just me. i know we will be back together again i know it but thats if he would take my stupid ass back.i just need my space sometimes like back a long time ago when i losst like the only boyfriiend i thought i would ever love i fucked up afta that then i got my life together by self and did really really good in school.maybe i can make it without him but idk if i can cause he was my everything we were ONE. we were the best couple ever we really were. its just the hole fucking distance thing kills me so badly i know i still love him and i always will hopefully he feels the same way. just noone Don't make the same mistake I did.dont let yourself be so angry that you stop lovin because one day you will wake up from the ange and the person you love will be gone just like me i had so fuckin anger in me and i still do i just rather deal with it alone i rather be sad and depressed then make julian go threw what i have too since were one he must have the same feelings. he was the only guy that respect me and the only one i can saying anything to and the one who made me laugh at everything and who 56456445545698798789321231 times different from ever single guy and he was the only guy who knew a relationship wasnt just about sex . but whatever its my fault and i need to see how i really feel about this cause this is how i feel so far. julian i want you to know if your reading this ............. im really sorry im a stupid girl.i will love you forever and ever and i know u understand the reason why i did this ... (im rreally fuckin stupid.)) i love you sooooooooo much baby 9-22-06
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the sun and the stars arnt in her world [11 Feb 2007|07:08pm]
i just dont know what i want anymore. like sometimes i feel like im just by myself i hate being alone but thats what sometimes it feels like.i really just dont know what i want anymore this hole thing with me moving is fucking with my head cause i wouldnt always be thinkin the things i think and i wouldnt be fuckin up how im fucking up. im just sick of everyone telling me to look on the bright side and just think about school when there is nothing right now for me on the bright side and i have no faith in myself anymore its hard for me to just think about school when im thinkin about everyone else and how much of a happyer person i could be im not even happy anymore nothing makes me happy.even when i am home (lindenhurst).im just a confused girl stuck in her own little world not noone one thing about herself anymore..i hate this hole thing about everything ,... i hate how im in long distance relationship it makes soo fuckin mad its not even funny and i know nothing will be back to normal until im eightteen. ughhh i just dont know what i want anymore theres like two different things going on in my head and i dont know waht is right or wrong and what if i make the wrong choices. i know for a fact i really wanna do good in school... sometimes i feel like noone is helping they just make me even more fustrated telling me that things will get betta but nothing will get betta at all until im outta this place. i really feel like i need to go somewhere cause i need a lot of help in my life and im sick of pretending that everything is okay im hurting my family and friends about how i am..my anut told me she hated talkin to her niece like this not laughing and not telling jokes she tells me she misses her niece who loved goin to northport and going on seasaws with her and not caring about how old i was jusst loved having fun i cant be like that anymore i told her until i figure out who i really am and if this is who i choose to be.my nona (grandma) saids i used to be a very talkitive person and i dont even no waht to say anymore i just sit there looking like im lost which i am.she never thought her sixteen almost seventeen year old granddaughter woould be so miserable after all the joy and the laughs that she was always telling and makin everyone feel better. my friends tell me that i was the always helping people they never thought i was gonna need this much help before and i dont even have a friends shoulder to cry on i have none here.. i miss sandra cait ava vickee amber sooo muchh i miss talking about girl things boy problems doing each other nails makin fun of people that thought they were so cool gettin candy crying givin advice i miss the memories soo much . Distance is so fuckin painful...i just have know ideea what im doing anymore i just want my life back i want my old fun funny self the one that noone knew was ever gonna smile.

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